Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in theycallmewhat's LiveJournal:

Thursday, October 6th, 2005
6:44 am	Roller Coaster Well, not much I am of liberty to talk about. ALOT of stuff happening, sending me upon an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. Money is up, Money is down, things are constantly on a teeter totter, but you know, i find peace and joy in the bad and the good, because there is a reason and place for everything. There's a plan, and I am sticking to it, as best as the Father reveals to me, and as best as human error does not push me out of the way. THings are going okay :) (Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
6:06 am	Tasks and Temptations Saturday I hung out all day with M, and someone she calls Smiles. After work, I went home, rested up, then ate lunch and watched a few movies, leaving the house to get there around three in the afternoon. Talk started out playfully, with them making fun of me for watching a movie I own on DVD on a cable channel. It soon, however, turned to more pressing issues. It turned to my greatest concern (for now, what that is, I cannot tell you). Many of the things M told me were as if she'd known me my whole life, which she has not, and i know that the spirit was moving her to say what she was saying. Alot of clarity has been placed upon me, for future, and previous events concerning the person to whom I am concerned. Those of you who read regularly, please pray for me, that the task given me on that day bears fruit for God's glory, and not my own personal pride. I know I am an arrogant man, and come off as a know-it-all, but, in God's name, I am working to change that about myself. This will be detrimental to completing what was given to me. I found out last night that not only can god give me messages in dreams, but the enemy, in mockery of The Father's divine intent, can also place things there as well. He's been playing off of my lusts for a while now, and, lately, my resistance has been gradually rising. I keep having to pray to the Almighty that the guile and suggestions of the enemy has no purchase within me, keep rising my barrier consciously, for the enemy, of late, has been constantly attacking me. I am grateful and pleased with the Father, that my resolve grows, and does not diminish. It's as Paul said (though not in these exact words, mind) When in Sin, turn to the Father. God can get us through all trials and tribulations within our lives. Trust in him, and he will pull you throgh anything. I am poor, but I am content. I have bills and burdens, but God gives me the peace that I will make it through. There is nothing placed before you that God knows you cannot handle. Christ said in Matthew that we need not worry about the future. The birds of the air and beasts of the earth have food, and are provided for, and these are the least of God's creatures; so why, then, do we, as God's favored, worry on tomorrow? God will see us through it all, praise his name. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2005
6:48 am	checking in Well here it is, another entry after a long absence of writing. Alot has been happening of late. Some of it, I am not of liberty to place here, but it has been amazing. I'm still poor, have my phone working (^.^), but I am not worrying on where I will be in the morning. I know that wherever I am, no matter how dire my situation may seem, it's where I need to be. I don't need to be this big holier than thou person, because I am not. I need to simply just be, and God loves me for this. It's all for The Father's Glory, and not my own. things have been happening at a rapid rate since Monday (my last entry). I do not think I am of liberty to say what out loud, but it has been amazing. Something that has happened is words have been spoken over me, and God, in his utmost Grace, Wisdom, and Mercy, has revealed these things to me. Wednesday night, for example, was a big, big moment. after getting off the phone with M, I played some video games and then went out to read the kids a story. Mom looked at my face and told me I had had pink eye. this was surprising, to say the least, as I never had contracted it before, and no one I knew had it. So, at mom's request, I went to Urgent care. First I texted M and let her know what was going on, and she offered to come with. After some conversational ping pong, I managed to finally become convinced that I needed her on the dirve there and back, as I had nearly fallen asleep behind the wheel coming home from work and had not had sleep since. Well, we began talking of our experiences in Christ, and It hit me fast, a sensation that I had experienced this before. I suddenly remembered that I had had a dream about that very same drive with M, and having that very same conversation. I told her, and we both became Jubilant, for God had confirmed, through this realization, that this was where we needed to be. I learned alot from the conversation, a whole lot. The more we surrender ourselves, and submit and surrender to God, and trust that he has a plan for us, the more God shall reveal to us, through his divine plan. Well, hospital, about 10:15 M walks in with her notepad, and I with my red spiral notebook and Bible, I submit my paperwork, and M and I are joking on how long we'll be there. The Urgent care room is packed! She wagered we'd be leaving by 12:30. 5 minutes after that, I was called, the nurse took my vitals and......I was placed into a room! It all happened so quickly it made our heads spin! It turned out that i had simply had an infection in my eye that caused an allergic reaction to take place (I don't have allergies so that's odd). Well as we're heading toward the Pharmacy, M tells me that one man said to his son "He must have something more severe than you." M then proceeded to tell me God was showing me his Favor. WHAT AN HONOR! to be in and out that quickly, and the Lord providing such a swift passing. Driving home we talked of it, and we came to the conclusion that this was a divine appointment, one of some that was predicted on tuesday ( I cannot say how many, but I'll keep you informred as they happen). We also talked for a while, and I told m that people there were watching us, they saw my Bible (it's black with gold trimmed pages, so hard not to see) and heard us talking of God. I know that God's purpose, whatever it was, was served that evening. The next day I am humbled an honored by M. She said that I am alot like a puppy, following God blndly, and working to please him, and honor him. She also mentioned that it was something I had taught her a lesson in (what an honor to have done so). Know, however, that I do not pretend to be a great man, nor a holy man. That is for God to decide. I simply am living and working and acting to please and serve him, and to understand his will for me as best as I can. I am a sinner. I sinned last evening, and even as I did this sin, my hand became hot as I raised my hand to commit the act. I will not now, or ever, claim to be a holy man. I am as imperfect and sinful as the next man, I am arrogant, pridefull, and, at times, a know-it-all. These are things I work t correct in my life so I can better serve the Father's will for me. I do, however, trust that God is working on me, he has a plan for me (as he does for us all), and he will reveal to me this plan in his time. I am forgiven my sins, if I truly let go of them, lay them before the cross, where Christ's blood has washed me clean, and walk away a new man. as he said "Go now, and leave your Life of Sin," to the adulterous woman so long ago, he says to me, though i read it in scriptures, and do not hear the voice itself. God does not call us to be perfect, but he does call upon us to follow his will as best we can. We are all his children, and he wants the best for us. We just have to learn how to follow him. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 26th, 2005
11:11 pm	Paid in full Hmm, well, The natural often expresses the spiritual. The same happened tonight. I brought my Bill to my paretns, wanted to pay the minimum Balance of a 413.88 dollar phone bill which was 193 dollars. Mom wanted to pay it in full, but at first I was hesitant, wanted to do it on my own. Well, I was taught a lesson in humility. Called dad, and he asked me why I was looking a gift horse in the mouth. Think on it. We are all like that. Christ has paid OUR debts in full, and we often try and handle it ourselves. Well, I think I should take tyhe example from tonight and apply it. Granted, my worldly debts will not be paid off like this. However, the debts owed for my sin *are* paid in full! Christ has already paid them, and i sit here, now, wondering why I am worried about my sins. I should do as he commanded Mary Magedlin, Get up and leave your life of sin! I AM PAID FOR! Praise God and all his mercy and bounty, Amen. (Comment on this)
9:04 pm	Master of the Forge Well, have not posted in a few days. Truth of the matter is, I've been struggling. I've felt weak, the experiences of the week have put me down. Friends abandoning, kids having to move in (joy and sorrow, all at once, as per the circumstances), financial issues (have 130 dollars in the blank to last till the 10th, and phone bill needs a minimum of 193 to reactivate it), and just a ton of things. I've been irratable, I've been down, I've been feeling week and unworthy of anything. I've studied Paul's writing in Romans, and see that he too had his struggles, but it's hard to think he experienced what i did, when it's from a book nearly 2000 years old. Can't see it. So anyway, missed church, voluntarily, yesterday, last week was as per dad's request, as workman were fixing the AC). Friend, well more of acquaintance, got Married on Saturday, and it didn't occur to me until I started writing this that It got me down, friends are getting married, finding ones to love, and I am one who failed in that respect. Felt undesirable, and that would only make it worse for me to go, so I stayed home, watched the workmen install a new door, and played video games, caved in to something I should not have thought or done, and got down on myself for it. That's my biggest problem, I cave and then bash myself for it. Well anywho, today, as I was driving home, I prayed as I often do, and the words came from my mouth "I'm weak." I retracted the statement quickly, but I knew that it's true that I felt that way, can't hide things from god, he sees into our hearts. I dunno if it was the spirit moving inside of me, but 10 minutes later a thought popped into my head, along the lines of "in order for the Forger to make something from the metal, he has to weaken it first, put it to the flame, so he can make something new from it." It just put things into perspective for me. I'm still feeling pushed and weighted down, but I'm picking myself back up, slowly, but surely doing so. It needs to be done, I can't mope about and withdraw anymore. I feel numb, don't feel depressed, don't feel up, but trying to put a good face in it, and seek answers from the right places. I dunno what to do, but I'll wait to see what answer I am given. Patience is a virtue, and I have to wait for His timing. Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Friday, September 23rd, 2005
11:29 pm	Fighting and forgiving Well sis and I had a big fight today, she ended up telling me just what she really thought of my life, and it effected me, I'll admit. I lost my temper, and said and did some things (stupid, tasteless things, nothing violent), and She ended up publicly disowning me as her brother (which later, was, if not altogether heart-felt, retracted). The things she said about me were true. Once. I thought and prayed and meditated upon it, and i came to the copnclusion that it was all true, once. Then He came, him to whom all salvation flows. He took it all away, and is taking it all away. That stuff does not apply to me anymore. To my sister, I forgive you for what you said, and apologise for what i dais and did. On another note, Remembered a dream i had months and months ago, about the friend who disrespected me. I had taken him to church, and he laughed all throughout the sermon and services. He would not stop laughing no matter how hard he was urged. Everything said and done, he would laugh, a bible was opened, laughter, a prayer was said, laughter, and sermon said, more laughter. I can read into it, but for now, I will not look for meaning. I get red flags from it now, as I did back then. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
10:19 pm	Building character Well I have thought of something, the friends that seem to be treating me poorly, and the things happening is just getting me ready for something, dunno what, but weeds are being plucked. things are happening, and in the suffering comes joy. I need to take heart that there is a plan and reason for everything. Suffering builds character. Finding Peace and Joy amidst the storm is possible, but only with the Right Anchor, God almighty! Joy does not mean happiness, it's a mistake a lot of people make. it is defined in Miriam Websters as A 1. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness. 2. The expression or manifestation of such feeling. B A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction I think the latter is true, for God is THE source of joy, pleasure and satisfaction. We can all find temporary fixes of these feelings, but only through God is it permanent! Joy can be found in all things, and Good can come from all bad! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
10:11 pm	Update on me Still struggling, still having difficulties in my life, and still moving on. The kids are moving in with us, The ones who were my old neighbor's children. My Neighbor died a year ago thanks giving, and their dad is getting little to no support from his family. This weekend they're going to have moved in with us completely.I hope I can be a good example for them. I am slowly reshaping my life to becoming a good man, but it's a long hard road. My financial burden is causing me strife with my friends. I had not agreed to move in with my friends, but told them I would consider it, now one is tryiong to pressure me into it, and is being very pushy and rude about it. I am feeling pressure from all sides in my life, and beginning to feel numb to everything. It worries me greatly, even now, it feels as if a pressure is being placed upon me. A helpful verse from the Genius Apostle Paul: NIV Romans 5:2-5 (2)And we rejoice in in the hope of the glory of God.(3) Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; (4) Perserverance, character; and character hope. (5)And hope does does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holt Spirit, whom he has given us. (again me talking) I am a sinner, horridly so, at times. I should not live within it, yet I find I let it, at times, live within me. I do not want it anymore. I want to be released from it's grasp. I want to live in joy during times of happiness and times of suffering through the hope that God, the Father, brings. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2005
5:50 pm	Why do I sin? I have been thinking about the causes for this, why I do it, why I enjoy doing it, and it is simple: Sin is seemingly instant gratification. It may not be the best choice, but it's a quick solution to a problem or feeling that's instantly gratifying. Think on it. Is there a danger to drugs? Of course, but the fix and rush of it all the second instant don't bother me until later when my health is affected. Is there a problem with murder? definately, but at the moment, it gets the problem out of the way. Sex without the commitment of a wedding vow? It feels good at the time, but there are so many things that can come from that, STDs, pregancy, the difficulty of a relationship where no real commitment is to be had. However there is hope! Patience, and hard work often provide better answers than the easy road. The easy road usually hits more than one bump, and one has to often learn the same lesson, albeit it is in a much more harsh way than it would have been in the rougher looking road. Patience. All things happen in God's time....it's what I tell myself every day, even after I fail. (Comment on this)
1:30 pm	tearing out the weeds At work today typed up a Prayer list and a personal flaws list. Here goes the latter: Weeds to Pull: -Lies(Defence Mechanism) -Lust(well, enough said) -Financial Instability(Self Inflicted) -Strength(Lacking in myself) -Impatience(I run too far ahead) -Pride (Know-it-all syndrome) -Self Reliance (Rely more on God, and not on myself ) -Work Habit (need to be stronger) -Big talk, little/no action taken (easy road) How to Pull them: -Tell the Truth -Avoid situations where Lustfull thought could take hold -Spend money wiser, pay off debts, and pay them on time -Rely on His strength, and not my own, For His is tireless, while my limbs will grow weary. -Learn to await God's timing, be content in the now, and with myself. -Be humble, dot not teach or tell unless compelled by the spirit. -Rely soully on God, as it is man's tendancy to lack God's tactics and purpose, trust he has a plan! -Develop consistant habits in working conditions, consolidate if the work is too much, and inform the right people if I am overwhelmed. -Practice what I preach, finish what I start, and live by the wisest path, not the easiest one. Work builds character. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 18th, 2005
7:22 pm	Weeding It occured to me todaywhile I was weeding with my dad that the Spiritual oft reflects the natural. Days ago i was talking of weeding with M, friday I spoke of weeding out of my life with dad, and today I was quite literally weeding with my dad. While I was doing so, it occured to me that this was quite symbolic of my life. I am weeding away those things that are as weeds in my garden. I am, with the Father's guidance, weeding away my lies, my lusts and my sinful habits. I am weeding away all those things unhealthy within my life. Struggles come, and we all, regardless of our walk with the father, from the strongest in faith to the most non-belief suffer and go through pain indescriminantly. I was weeding with my father, as THE Father, the Lord of all, was weeding with mem guiding me as to what needs to go. Is it not amazing that the God of all cares enough to work on me, one small speck in the big picture! Praise his name. Amen! (Comment on this)
Friday, September 16th, 2005
8:27 pm	Broke, Phoneless, but Happy! Alot of things have happened of late!triumphs and failures aside, I am now without a phone (shut off for lack of funding to pay for it, at least for now) bank account drained of assets, and all in all, I still feel real good. I think I am feel great, actually. God is working through this hardship! He's got a plan, and at first, I was daunted by it, but know I know there is a purpose to it all. It's training. It's teaching me not to be so careless. Here are some thoughts I wrote this morning when struggling with the issues I face (thanks to M and Dad for setting me straight!): I struggle with many things, God knows I do, my unhealthy lusts, my ability to make a believable lie, taking the easy road instead of that which is worthwhile and more work. Many things try to block my walk with Christ. I've been sick the past few days, feeling an illness of both body and spirit. A weight if you will. Perhaps it's been longer than a few days, I'm not sure. I know that these feelings of inadequacy, and this illness however, are not natural. It's not me. Not anymore. These things, financial burdens, the woman hitting my car, all of the problems I face. The suffering is part of things I got myself into. All things have a purpose. I'm being cut off, partially, from those with whom I draw strength in Christ. the isolation in my life must end, and I must ask God for his companionship and guidance. I isolate myself from Him, not only those around me. Too often do I turn to myself for answers, and not him. My answers are full of the logic of man, and as such are flawed. Trusting in Him is the only logical thing to do. Seems everyone of late is having problems, The Enemy is alive and well and at work. We are, all of us living this day, are under attack, though some are more easily swayed then others. Why? Because he can, because he hates Humanity, and wants to make God suffer and feel pain by bringing as many of us down with him as possible. He knows he's fighting a losing war, but he is not in it for the win, he's in it to hurt God. Solitude is Satan's tool, at times when we are most vulnerable. He will turn our views from things we need to focus upon. I was being brought to a state of helplessness. I learned to fear not! God has a plan and purpose in EVERYTHING, if we let him work on it. Patience is the key (and something I lack much of the time), but I believe there is a time and place for everything. M helped out alot, making me realize there are many things in my life that need to be brought out, pruned away. Time to uproot the Weeds in my garden, and move on so that God can work in my life. cannot do it alone, God is Paramount in all things, and I should not lose focus of him. Tome to drive this stuff away from me completey, and let god take control, for if I do, i shall fail each time. Cannot serve God first, and myself Second; mhave to serve god only, and gain strength from him as it's granted. Alone, i am found wanting. I am a sinner not worth his salt; yet in Him, nothing is impossible, not a thing. man, contrary to what was said in the renaissance, is *not* the measure of all things. God is supreme, we are beings who are but breaths upon the wind that die after a very short time. this world, our bodies, all things we seek to as important are not. We can't take it with us when it's our time to pass on. God has a plan for us, trust in it. He knows what he's doing. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
10:01 pm	Failure Again Failed. Again. I have a problem with my lusts. I have a problem with lying (though this has been put into check). Since no one believed much of what I said growing up, I have developed a lying tendancy as a defence mechanism. This I have recently put a reign on, but I cannot control my lust. I can, but it's hard for me to. But still, I perservere: here it is, something that helps me to understand. Sinething that inspires me. It's by a group called the Proclaimers. Proclaimers - Then I Met You Lyrics Then I met you Thought that I�d be happy Going to be so happy Living life alone and never sharing anything Thought that I was finished Thought that I was complete Thought that I was whole instead of being half of something Thought that I was growing Growing older, wiser Understanding why this world held nothing for my spirit Thought that I was destined Destined to be nothing Destined to be nothing in this world and then I met you. I met you Thought that God had failed me Thought my prayers were useless Thought that he would never give the chance for me to praise him Thought the book was written Thought the game had ended Thought the song was sung and I could never sing another Thought my faith was misplaced Thought my back was broken Broken by a weight that I was never fit to carry Thought I knew this city Thought I knew all about it And then one night I went to morningside and you were waiting I met you Here is another song by the proclaimers: The Proclaimers Sunshine On Leith lyrics My heart was broken, my heart was broken Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow My heart was broken, my heart was broken You saw it, You claimed it You touched it, You saved it My tears are drying, my tears are drying Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou My tears are drying, my tears are drying Your beauty and kindness Made tears clear my blindness While I'm worth my room on this earth I will be with you While the Chief, puts Sunshine On Leith I'll thank him for his work And your birth and my birth. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
10:19 pm	Thoughts Talked with M yesterday about things happening of late. for a long time, now, I have been seeing something out of the corner of my eyewhen i am in my car, sitting over my right shoulder in my rear passenger side seatthere is really no sense of anything coming from it but an extreme sense of watchfulness. I have seen it often, even since before the experiences of the week happened. M told me that someone was talking about that exact thing at a Christian conference she went to! She said it very well could be that I saw an Angel, or Angels (yes, Guardian angels do exist). The thing is, I've been seeing and hearing things all my life; shadows of people who were not there, my dead grandfather coming to sit in my room when I was three, Foot steps in the hall when everyone is asleep, someone coming to sit on my bed while I sleep. Many things have happened to me, mixes of fear and comfort, and until M, I have not been generally believed. God is working in my life. he's trying to work within the lives of everyone, but many people refuse to listen. Well had a dream, and I am not certain if it means anything, but still, here it is anyhow. I play a game online called Castle Marrach, and it is a fantasy text-based role play game. I play it quite a bit. In the dream, I could not feel myself typing, nor could I see anything but the chat window up. I read each word, and felt each action as "I" did them. I was playing as my newest character, a pledge to a group called the "Duelist Society," which is a society of men and women who hold honor in dueling, and such. Throughout the dream, I was told by members who had been there much longer than I that I had to fix and repair things within the Guild's lounge. It was part of learning to give of one's selflessly, in order to remain a member of the society. As before, I don't know if it has any signifigance, but I'm writing it down all the same. Some thoughts I had when reading the book of Romans before I finish: In fellowship, do we find mutual strength in Christ. The jews are still Gods chosen people, and all, jews and gentile, are called to live by faith, not merely tos imply have it, but to take the narrow road and *live* as god calls us. There is no excuse, He is supreme!Man knew and knows god, but still he turns his back on Him to live in falsehood, and God let's man dig his own grave, so God would wish us to live in freewill. Do not judge, for as a judge, you will be judged! People will look on you, as you look on them. Sorrow for a world who consciously turns from God to evil, and encourage evil against God's laws, and give in to unnatural passions and lusts (other than man to woman and woman to man). The asnwers to life are simple, but sin complicates them. For me to teach, and guide, and see, and hear in the word and will of God, I must first cleanse myself of those things that hinder my walk with God. And those are random thoughts, but as I read romans, I am inspired to speak, and this is what is thought. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 12th, 2005
5:49 pm	Thoughts and Feelings Well, again, I failed in battling sin. It's bad habit I will have to break. Surely as Samson fell under Delilah's sway, so are my weaknesses. I have to battle with it and always keep my guard up. So the Book of Romans. If ever there was a manual to the Christian faith (besiodes, of course the entire word of God in the bible) Romans would be it! this book has it all. I am taking it bit by bit, but even in small amounts, it's alot to chew! I've annotated my bible (thoughts upon scripture I write in the margins of select passages) and boy am I writing alot. Maybe I shall write it in here later. Anywho, here is something I wrote today that was inspired by my readings: Garret lived a life in sin and spite. he was unhappy with himself until he found Christ. No sooner had he taken the path, , he drove from the church parking lot and was sideswiped by a semitruck on his driver's side, killing him instantly. his family, in grief, cursed God, and asked where he was when his servant needed protection. What they did not know is that that truck would have hit Garret had he been a believer or not. God's protection came from giving Garret Eternal life, instead of two deaths. Gods ways are not our ways! Do not look to the minds of men for comfort, for we are truly ignorant and fickle beings in our thought. We try and use man's logic, and man's understanding to discern the ways of the divine. We are prone to suggestion and explination from the enemy. God has a Plan, Trust in it! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
2:32 pm	Angels and devils Well, the war still wages. I lost a battle last night, but ground was made this morning. My lust is my biggest factor. It is still what drives me to the ground in my walk. But today, something mGood did happen. I was taslking with M, mainly discussing my path, listening to god, and everything lining up for me in my life. We talked in the parking lot when I had a thought that this had all happened before. Thinking on it further, I had had a dream, this exact same thing happened in my dream down to the detail! God is amazing! from her clothes to her mannerisms, M was in a dream i had about a year or two ago, WOW! LIFE HAS NO COINCIDENCES! take heart and know that things will be all right, even if they seem muddled! there is a plan, and things are okay. Wherever you may be in life, it's where you need to be at the time, even if things need to change. Here are some Wise words from solomon to help things along: Ecclesiastes 3 A Time for Everything 1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 10th, 2005
8:06 pm	Another day come and gone Here it is, another day come and gone, and I have had my ups and downs. It was the same yesterday as well. I had some great moments in prayer, happy, joyful praying, and then went into fits of meloncholy. I hqave tackled some of the major issues in my life, and though I have not rid myself completely of them, I am feeling more and more confident in myself and God. There is, however one issue plaguing me. Haunting me, whatever fancy phrase you want to put in there. Regardless, it's become an issue that I have dealt with for a while. Romance. I'm not talking Sex. I've done without for over a year, and while I've not traversed a wholesome road when it comes to the opposite sex over the past year, it's getting better. I do, howeve, miss the intimacy one shares with another so close to them. I miss the Bond, the friendship, and having someone with whom I could tell anything, and who could do likewise with me. It's been plaguing me for a long time. I thought I had found it, but I don't know what's going on anymore. Since we woke up on Sunday in Chicago, it felt like the distance had hid J and I well before I left. I know she said that the distance was too great for her, I know she said it didn't work out in the past with these types of relationships, but what of all the things we had said befor we met? What of the banter, the I love yous, the fond well wishing. Had that begun to erode before I got into Kentucky? We have not said much since we parted. the conversation has been up and down, but waning. Something seems to have vanished between us and I am left with a hole in my chest. I miss her terribly. I know I should move on. I know I should. It's what we said was best, but I feel in my heart she's a tough act to follow. I am coming to terms with my own insecurities. I know there are women who find me attractive, and women who find my personality so as well. Was it something I had said? Was it something I had done? Was it something I did not do? So many questions, So many answers to be found. I need to talk to her. I need to find out why. I don't care anymore if there is a chance or not. I want to tell her how I feel, and listen to how she honestly feels about me. She is as a beacon, in my mind, to which all others pale. Granted there are things in my life I place above her, God and Family come before a girl I have only spent 4 days with, and talked to for nearly a year on the internet. But I honestly think I do love her. It's like every cliche in the book. I see her face when I close my eyes, I still smell her upon me, I still hear her voice. She is often on my mind. Is this normal to feel? Have I fallen too far and too fast? I don't know. I don't know what it is. I cannot, however, go on without knowing. The old me, the coward, is gone. I need to tell her how I feel. She needs to know. I need to know. Other than this, I feel great, better than I ever have. Life is not as dark and bleak as could be. Mum is still menopausal, and driving me bonkers, but hey, I will be out of here soon. I still have my struggles, and life is an uphill battle, but I am learning to take joy in all things, bad and good, for I do not stand alone May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine upon your face and the rain fall soft upon your fields. And, 'till we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand- Irish blessing Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2005
12:25 pm	Of Dreams, Chicago, and Experiences Alot to say today. ALOT to say. Considering I have not had anything to write since april, there should be, but this does not concern tha lack of writing since then. All of that is not important, but what is important is that things are changing. First Off, my Trip to Chicago needs to be written down. I have already done so, and here is my account of my experiences:     When someone tells you you will have a divine appointment fora trip you told them nothing of, you listen! You keep your eyes open, and you make sure that you observe what is going on around you. Admittedly I was skeptical, my faith in God, though unwavering, was little more than "I beleive" with no action to back up my words. I was lukewarm, or cold, or wavering in how I executed my faith, and the Father had plans that interceded with my own. As Christians, we are told to keep watchful, to keep our eyes and ears open, to be ready for anything, for we may be called upon at any time. I have not been this way in a long time. I was distracted, by women, by possesions, by everything, and by nothing. My eyes began to open, and I came to Chicago expecting everything, and at the same time nothing at all. I, of course, was not disappointed, God is not in the business of Falsehoods, so when I was knocked (nearly literally) flat on my back, how could I have expected anything less?     I had met J and B online. We all played a game and our characters had developed bonds between them. J and I had been talking online for nearly a year, and a month before the encounter, began to call one another. She and I had begun to feel things for one another, and began to admit that there was a bond of love shared between us. Granted, we had never met, but something was there. B on the other hand I knew very little of. I knew his character in game, and sparce things from bits of conversation we had, and from a friend of mine, but we had not begun talking until a month before the incident. We all had met in a chatroom, and began talking, and goofing around, when someone got the idea we should all met in Chicago and hang out. We all stopped, and then began to dig the idea. so plans were put into play, and Labor day weekend was eventually decided to be best. The month passed, and not swiftly enough for my liking.     The Thursday before I went, I was taking my dad to work, so he could take my car home that next morning, and he talked to a friend from church, who he dubs affectionately his sister. I've known M to have sight of things many do not. I have never spoken to her of it, nor really much at all, but have been given scraps and bits through conversations my dad has had on his phone when I have driven him to work. That night had began like many nights when I had taken Dad to work, a phone call to M to discuss whatever it was they needed to talk about. I eavsdropped and commented a bit (about what I do not know) and about twenty minutes into the trip, my dad turns to me and say "M says you will have a divine appointment on the trip."     Well to tell you the truth, I did not listen at first with welcome ears. I was skeptical, how did she know? What could she know? Did I tell her I was going somewhere? No....I had not been to church in some time. Well she knew I was going somewhere that was weird. So Skepticism began to slide away to curiosity: was she right? What would happen on the trip? I went home and Told J what had been said. I went to bed unsettled, but knowing I had to get *some* sleep before I left. So the morning comes, I pick up dad, he takes me to the airport, and apart from a delay in Atlanta, the trip is uneventful. I am welcomed in Kentucky by a smiling J (she is more beautiful than I could have pictured, and her pictures did her no justice) and we hugged before going to her car to prepare to traverse Indiana to get to Illinois. The trip happens, and J and I begin it awkwardly, at first making idle conversation followed by many an awkward silence. My friend Joe calls (of course from California) asking for a ride to an event in California for my renaissance reinactment group, and I redirect him to someone else who we arranged to pick him up. Okay, awkward silences brake and J eventually holds my hand. Further down the road (sometime after Gary Indiana) we kiss.     After getting lost (yahoomaps led us astray, but luckily B was awake and ready to give us directions) we get to Chicago, greeted by B waiting for us on the street. We go and park the car, and by about 11:30 MST, we are in his apartment, gear all stowed, and tired, but restless. B asks if we cared to wander the city a bit, and J and i said it would be a good idea, so we did. this is where the real story gets started. As we walked along the River, B was showing us the back of the opera house, showing us the bridges and architecture. It was a bit after midnight when we were approached by an older blackman who was tall and skinny, nearly a scarecrow figure, with greasy, wiry black and grey hair with an equally wiry beard, bulging and nearly cross dark eyes, and crooked teeth. I remember he wore a hat with a cigarette rolled into it. He stopped us, complimenting J on how she can attract two such wonderful men to escort her around, then proceeded to ask us if we were from Wheatly. We all looked at each other and then I told him we were not. Thinking the conversation was over we started to turn, but he continued on, beckoning us to him as he got closer. He was soft spoken, but his words moved with the force of thunder.     "Look" he said "You have the glow of the saints about you, God loves you, and he's proud of you. He has sent me tonight with a message for all of you. 15 minutes ago I just turned 47(?)and I was restless. God has a message for you."     He turned first to me and looked me directly in the eyes, his dark eyes burning. He told me without hesitation "God says stop fooling around and get that house. It's time to move on, if you want it go get it." I was blown away. I had been talking of moving out, talking of getting an apartment with friends. I told only J and my parents. This was weird. he looked next at B and told him he sits back and absorbs everything like a sponge. Once he got his life in order, things would be okay. His words to J were not so clear, as we could not hear so well. What I gathered of it was that she had a generous and kind spirit, but she should not let people take advantage of it. He looked at J and myself, who were, at this point, holding hands, and asked if she was my wife. I answered in the negative and he told me, again with that soft unwavering surety, she was going to be.     The man then told us he was a preacher, and had little money, and he needed 64 dollars. He said between the three of us we could do it. B and J had no money, but in my wallet, I had 69 dollars. I hesitated. My heart then screamed out to me "How could you pass up a gift given and then refuse to give wht is asked?" So I decided to give him the money he required. I could not spit on the Appointment by refusing His servant's request. Then we left, I looked back and could not see him anymore. The night went on, and we, J, B, and I carried on as old friends. Now here is where I wavered. I will admit, I have a weakness. I suffer the same weakness Samson suffered: women. I partook and delighted in the flesh of young woman who was not my wife, not completely, mind, but it is still considered lust no matter how you look at it. I have since apologised, both to the Father, and to her. Because something is small, or considered small in sin, it is still considered a sin, and all of them are equally regarded with the father, and as such, are all forgiven when repented.     Sunday night. A last hurrah of a weekened spent in the joy of each other's company. J, B, and I had a few beers and watch Napolean Dynamite and old School, and then all laid down in the living room of B's apartment (where we had been staying), and fell asleep. I had a dream (or so I thought it was a dream) that an angel was flying overhead. The roof opened up (more like reshaped itself) to accomodate his large presence. His wingspan was mighty, and his skin shown brightly. He wore a bronze breastplate over a white robe and his feet were sandled. His hair was a bright blonde, or a glowed, and I could not look on him for long. He held in his hand a mobile, and it spun with many barbs and hazards, and below, in the vortex of this mobile I heard voices crying in agony and woe. B was standing next to me, and J on the otherside, and I knew I had to cross this torment to get to the other side. B had his usual smile as I left, and suffered amidst the swirling pain that ensued from the Mobile, and I crossed, and got to her, and awoke. I could not sleep much that night, and had rather unsettling dreams. But in actuality, that whole trip was like this dream: it woke me up.     Now onto the things that happened after. Tuesday, Lunch. I had decided it was time to call M, as she was the one who had told me that this would happen. She proceeded to tell me how joyful she was to know that I could confide in her, and could come to trust her. I told her of how I felt, what my desires were (to move to Chicago, or out of California). She told me it was because I was like a seed that had taken root and grown larger than the pot, but it was like this since I was 16. She then proceeded to tell me that many things had been opened for me, I was torn. I first encountered sexual desire at 16, and had become active at it, and that she saw me wishing to drive away, just get away from my mother. She described my mother as one of the chains in the stronghold that held me back. She told me chicago ripped those things from me, and she wept over the sorrow I had felt, and the loss, and the misery I went through, as if she felt the pain I had endured.     The conversation ended, she telling me I had a gift, that God was awakening in me, and I would learn to listen more to his will. I went to my clients house, and, as usual, greeted his nanny at the door. I went into his room, said hello, and was drawn to the Images of his God, Ganesh, and suddenly became overcome with rage. I had to hold myself back from striking the child, and had to put myself at bay. i did not know why I was feeling this, why this was happening. I growled, almost ferrally "get away from me satan I do not wish you near me any longer!" and the rage left. I collapsed, nearly, to the floor. the child came and sat on my lap and hugged me, and we went on the rest of the day as usual.     Talked with M again on wednesday. I was laying in my room, on my Computer when I called her. I turned off the computer and layed on my bed, not the length of it, mind, but with my feet dangling over the side. She asked me if my closet was over my left shoulder. I affirmed this and she asked again if there was a space between my bed and my closet. She told me then that an angel was there, he was shining as silver, and wore silver armor, and something was held in his left hand. I began to shake. She told me of a Vision she had had of me, and I began to shake more, my whole body, and then the windows began to shake. it subsided, and I began to get ready to go back to work. She was talking to me, and I to her, sharing things. I got to a point where I would lose her signal on my cell, so we ended the conversation briefly, and I began to pray, not just softly, but slowly. It did start off as a whisper, and then began to grow louder and more jubilant in the praises of Our Father in Heaven! I was filled with such joy, the hairs on my body stood on end, and I could not stop praising his name! I ended my prayer and called m as I had promised, and she delivered me a Warning: anytime you open to the Father, you also invite an attack from the enemy. you do so upon others, if you share with them what the Father tells to you, or even sharing what you know of the Father with them. After she and i ended her conversation, I felt such. Doubt, fear, worry. The old crowd I used to run with, coming back to haunt me. I began to do and say things I normally did not. began to tell J things that didn't make much sense.     I have a bad habit of running ahead of God when I know he has something planned for me. I began to do so with J, and she said she feared I was cracking up. I sat and thought on it, and felt a weight pressing upon my chest and shoulders. I texted M after, and laid in my bed, feeling a weight upon my chest and shoulders. She told me a spirit of fear had attached itslef to me, and I was being decieved. It took me a while to figure out what this meant. It is as with everything in my life. I was telling myself that I was not good enough, that I could not do what was appointed to me. This was true. I immidiately sought my dad, who I know to be a man righteous in the father. I shared with him the vision that M had had of me, which she e-mailed to me as per my request. he sat down in the chair next to my computer, and I on my bed, and we talked. he told me patience. he told me not to accept all that I am given as literal. We had a long talk of lies, and truth. he suggested I read the book of Romans, and then meditate upon God as I wake each day. He helped to calm my soul. I talked with M some, and then resumed my nightly activities (mosty playing games on the PC) until my dad called me in. He warned me to not be as Abraham. I share qualities with him: Running ahead of God, and Lies coat my tongue. He warned me of letting myself run too far ahead, and of lies, as both will have effects that I will deal with in the longrun. I continued my nightly activities, and the kids who were staying with us for the week came in. I was asked to watch thm, and they wanted to jump on the webcam and say hello to J. it was cute to watch them type greetings and wave and make faces at the camera. J then asked me who the woman next to them was. I was puzzled, as I was the only one in the room, let alone the house, who was an adult, and she said she could see a woman with tan skin next to them. wow. I could only assume it was their mother, but I don't know what it meant, or who it was. I took the kids to get Icecream, told my mom what had happened, and then put the kids down for the night, following them into sleep hours after.    That night I laid down, and awoke at 6 the next day. I got my Bible from the shelf in my room, and began to read Romans. I prayed to got, flat upon my face, and grew weary again, and fell asleep. as i slept for this short while I had a dream. I do not remember sound but I remember the images clearly. I was in a prison, wearing nthe blue jumpsuit of a prisoner, with a white cotton t-shirt underneath. I was in my cell, when the walls of the prison burst! the inmates took advantage and began rioting and burning what was left of the chaos, but i sat in the ruins of my cell, waiting the rest of my sentence. A black man, who i was not certain of the features of his face stopped his rioting and sat with me. I woke up. I watched Star Wars episode 1 with the kids, and then went to work, texting m of the dream I had.    We texted a while, before I became weary and fell asleep during my lunch break. I began to text her again, then stopped myself. I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I didn't want to hear anymore about me. I didn't want to deal with this anymore. There was too much to take in, and I was overwhelmed. But at 8:30 I was given different. M called, and I was reluctant to hear. I was distracted by my computer, not on it mind, but distracted. I didn't want to hear. She asked if I was, and I said it was on, but I was not paying attention to it. She then told me of her policy on Lies. it kept coming up and I knew she knew I was telling a half-truth (still a lie). I was attending to her, but not really. I would glance up at the screen to see what was going on. Then a funny thing happened. My computer shut off. It caused me to pause. it turned back on, then as I stared at the screen did it again! I stopped what I was doing, turned it back on, and then laid down on my bed, giving M my full attention. She and I talked for hours. It broke some of the misgivings i had about all of this away. in the end one important message came from it: find joy in all of this, do not look to it as work, and Just be me, do not strive to be anything else. I went to bed calmer.    this morning I had a dream. It started off that I was told to not wear clothes. Divine voice, I think. Everyone seemed to treat me as I was perfectly normal. We were in England, or somewhere like that, and the land was lush and green. We traveled quite a ways. the details even now escape me of most of it, but the part I remember was a woman was bringing all of these young girls (in their teens) out, virgins, and she was selling time with them for 75 cents. My friend Joe was scrambling to find change. J was disgusted, especially at joe. J told him that she first became sexually active at 14, and that this made her sick that this was happening. Eventually, Joe gave up (after I had provided him with the rest of the change, where I kept it, i don't know) and we wandered on to a graveyard where a man in 14th-15th century french gentleman's clothing (plain and brown colored) was insulting all of us. I stepped up and asked him to stop, the things he said were not founded, and he laughed and provoked us further. At last, I could not stand it anylonger, and challenged him to a duel of honor, knowing i would lose, and telling him so. I told him I would lose the match, but he would ultimately feel the shame of his loss. As I thought, I fought and lost, collpasing, and then being carried away unconscious, but i went from my own head to behind him, and he began to weep. the duel had taken place in a graveyard, an old one. He was left, alone, weeping in the graveyard, and he collapsed to the floor, and as he did, he fell, face covered by his hands, into a puddle of fire. he was singed, but not killed. he got up, his face covered in ash, black, and then stopped weeping. He looked around and noticed he was alone, and went to seek me out. I could feel his burning, feel his sorrow, and then feel his joy as he went to seek me out. that was all i remember. Current Mood: jubilant (Comment on this)